It always amazes me how you keep
"rediscovering" yourself throughout your life. It never stops. Every
few years you turn into someone new or add layers to your personality. Occasionally
some incident happens which makes you reflect and realize that you are such a
different person now. What’s disheartening though is that you hear people
throwing this word around so often and so casually that I fear the gravity of
it is getting lost somewhere with time.
I like a certain depth in character. I feel people
are not born with it, you are too pure as a child. This leaves the task to
experiences. But experiences alone cannot guarantee that. You choose how
experiences affect you. Character is abstract. It develops with you if you let
it. Sometimes I fear people around me are living their entire life without
knowing themselves, simply following a time-tested version of life that they
have presumed to be fulfilling without really trying to figure out if it makes
sense for them. I know this is just me outwardly judging people. In fact, today
when I read some of the stuff I had written 10 years back, I totally judge
myself. In hindsight, this completely counterfeits me feeling sad for others
because back then I too did genuinely believe I knew who I was.
I remember few years back I was someone who could
completely mold himself into someone else depending on who I am with. Think of
my personality in an hour glass. When I used to meet someone new, different, I
would simply overturn the hourglass, let myself trickle down to the bottom and
empty up a space at the top to let someone new in. I can't do that anymore.
Over these past few years that hour glass has been filled to the brim on both
sides so there is no space left for anything else to seep in. Today I can't
pretend to be someone I am not. I still meet new people and am perfectly normal
and get know them but that's it. Beyond that I cannot form a bond with someone
unless the sand in my hourglass matches in quality, coarseness, to at least
some extent with the one in theirs. Maybe it correlates to the phase you are
in, in your life. You start seeing everyone through a filter and whoever
doesn't fit the requirements or your notions of maturity, feels unlearned, naïve;
which in worst cases can leave you feeling very lonely.
Fin.
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